Surviving Affair: Kindness Toward Self

Surviving infidelity demands that you are kind to self. This is often difficult.

Perhaps this last phrase is a little strong.

But the reality in our Western culture often subtly conveys that the wounded spouse has somehow failed.

The cheating spouse has "fallen in love" (and "being in love" is the basis for a strong relationship... right?)with another persona and seemingly the marriage was inadequate in meeting each other's needs.

Some people blatantly utter this statement. Often (and I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 28 years of experience) infidelity "counseling" by reputable therapists often try to ascertain, "what went wrong in the marriage." And, that means YOU.. what's wrong with you that s/he bolted?

Kinda crazy, once you understand the dynamics of infidelity, I know.

Family and friends are tongue tied and don't know what to say or they offer the simplistic advise: "Kick him/her out! I would!"

But, they don't understand that you know, at one level, the emptiness and personal neediness of your cheating spouse, for which s/he thought the affair to be the solution.

Or, you are labeled the victim. Poor you! You have it so bad. Once again, a very unflattering description. You certainly are NOT helpless. You have not lost your personal power, although it may feel like it.

And, finally, from an outsiders point of view (and sometimes your point of view) your cheating spouse has all the power. S/he is calling the shots. You stand on the edge of the precipice ready to lose EVERYTHING and you feel helpless.

The result of this negative onslaught: You form powerfully negative and seemingly destructive thoughts and images, about your self and them, that consume every waking moment.

To counteract or deal with this deluge of negativity, what do you do?

Allow me to offer a few suggestions:

1. Think of your internal self as parts.

The terribly negative feelings occur when internally you fail to make distinctions and lack the awareness that there are different parts of you. Internally you feel the raging and churning chaos.

2. Be aware of your internal dialogue (how you "talk to yourself" in your mind.)

Are you upset with "yourself" for being in this position? Well, that means that one part of you who doesn't want the pain is upset with another part which feels the pain.

See where I'm going? Right now, as you read this article, do you feel any relief internally?

Once you begin to identify the parts, you take back your personal power, feel better and can engage more productively in effective action.

3. Consciously pay attention to and use the three parts of you.

A part internally experiences a sense of worthlessness, devaluation and rage.

Another chunk of you desires to attack that other chunk, hopes it will dissipate. It might be exceedingly critical of your pain, which is perceived as "weakness."When you feel your anger or pain, you in essence are angry with that chunk of you that feels the pain and powerlessness.

There is another part of you that can stand back and be objective. This segment or part of you is now taking in the thoughts in this article. This part of you can think. This segment of you will research and gather information about infidelity. It will see patterns. The motivations of your cheating spouse will be identified. It is that part that will strategize and employ tactics to stop the affair and perhaps save the marriage.

This is the part of you that becomes the kind parent and comforter to the part that feels in pain and helpless. This is the part of you that will teach the anger critical part that it's criticism and anger is an attempt to protect and care for you as well.

The more awareness you have of these different parts, the more you are freed to cope and move ahead.

Your task, your personal power, your hopefulness is within. And, this is very doable.

Yes, you will slide into the internal criticism and the pain, but a part of you with compassion will call you out of that pain and into something more constructive, time and time again.


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Dr. Robert Huizenga, CSW, LMFT, The Infidelity Coach, is an author, and Marriage and Family Therapist. For the past two decades he has served hundreds of couples, specifically in the area of marital infidelity. He is author of "Break Free From The Affair." Information on Dr. Huizenga's book and other services is available on his web sites.